For a Moment

I’m a little bit scared

You won’t like what you see.

Let’s cut me in half for a moment,

Shall we?

I have bones—

But more than a frame,

They outline the things that

Have helped me stay sane.

These bones,

O! These bones!

They’ve managed to make me

A woman, a shelter,

A trap, and a canyon.

These bones are a cage

And a lock and a key.

Stand alone, stand alone, stand alone

Free.

 O! So help me dear bones,

Help this soul to be saved!

Twist my arms down and then let me be brave!

Past the bones there are lungs,

Those sweet holders of air!

Take a breath and be smart,

Never let yourself change!

With the lungs there are veins!

O! Glorious veins.

Those maps of my fears cover every last

Inch

Of

Me.

But wait.

Don’t forget.

The heart.

Mine’s the one with the battered old engine—

A sick lass at best,

With no hope of rearrangement.

It still hops on,

Finding strength in the veins,

In the lungs,

In the bones.

In my words!

Well I’m okay,

And I know who I am.

But do you understand the great mess that I am?

They’re all just placeholders

For my hop along scars.

Life has always been hard

But I’ll keep seeing stars.

“As long as there are stars above me”.

Take my trap and my cave,

Take my hop along scars!

Take it all or I won’t know how to

Take all your smiles.

Here I am,

I won’t hide—

Here’s this sweet-tempered girl!

Just be kind,

and please know that

You might mean the world.

Your Face

We lay on the floor,

And the shooting stars were fake—

But your face was love

Inch by Inch

Inch by inch

I felt my way

Through the dark spots in your mind.

Excavation helped me know

Who we were,

And how we fell.

Every day I’d

Hold you tight.

Succumbing when you left.

The atlas game

Of where you went;

It always left me spent.

My feet stayed stuck

On dreams I had

Of you and I so strong.

I wasn’t scared

And you held still

While I lifted up my voice.

Step by step

I found the path

Through all your troubled halls.

I took the time

To learn your heart;

But how were you with mine?

Fingertips stretched

Out to walls—

The holes are filled with fear.

The long dark road

Of your bothered mind

Is all that brought me here.

I’d take the pain;

And I guess I did.

I never once gave up!

My steps were small

And the road was long,

I didn’t really need an end.

Just your smile,

Your listening smile.

As we turned into more than friends.

That’s what I got,

That’s how it was.

At least for a moment I lived.

No apologies here,

Not from this girl—

What have I to apologize for?

I loved you!

That hurts to say.

I hear you laughed at me.

Is it just this?

Are we now gone?

You closed the maze of doors.

I’m just a girl

You held close once—

It’s on your face that you don’t care.

Are you okay?

I’d like to hear

The newest ups and downs.

Can we be friends?

Now that it’s done—

Strangely you won’t look at me.

Here’s my face—

This brave one’s on!

It’s fake cause that’s your game.

Inch by inch

I felt my way

Through halls I did not own.

Inch by inch

I touched your face

And thought your heart would grow.

Inch by inch

And step by step

We never learned our way.

Inch by inch

Let’s go again

And take our time this round.

Inch by inch

I’m reaching now

For the latest page in mine.

Inch by inch

I’ll go along—

I’ll feel okay in time.

Her

Your eyes went soft

When you looked at me.

So I felt pretty secure.

And pretty.

Yeah, I felt pretty.

Your voice crept up and swept me in—

I didn't know what to expect.

With each new jump

We made a wave

And discovered all there was.

A trip and a skip and a fall from heaven,

You’re right. I should meet you there.

Windy days met their match,

In that kiss,

In that hug,

In that fear.

You stared at me and

Saw the moon

In my eyes.

I thought I saw the same in yours.

It’s a mountain, it’s a molehill, it’s a colossal mighty jump!

With you, that is,

To trust again,

Was everything I could want.

I couldn't hide from your

Knowing eyes,

So my fear to feel was real.

But all I was,

In those two months,

Was a home within a home.

Feeling you was a bright new dream!

Each breath,

Each hand,

Each world you brought—

I was enamored, to say the least.

But O, the walls, came tumbling down!

And falling down they came!

I looked into your eyes one night,

And her face stared back at me.

It wasn't me,

It was never me,

You wanted next to you.

It was her,

It was always her,

So I’ll go quietly.

To Everyone Else

To everyone else I was no more than

A body.

A shell.

A 118 pound piece of warm smooth skin and

Sexy hair with the bright eyes to match.

But I was not a person

With thoughts and feelings

Or hopes and dreams.

The bones that hold me up were simply

Bones.

Not a map of my life,

Or a piece of my past.

Just bones.

To everyone else I was a

Jumping off point, a beginning,

A starting line.

And we all know where this race ends.

Some form of ‘I love you’ may have been uttered,

But actions speak louder than words,

And their hands did not hold love.

Not that night, nor any of the nights after.

 To all the other boys,

I was the friction they needed for a moment

And the excuse they needed to ignore everything else.

And if they held me just a second longer

Their wildest dreams would come true.

And they always did!

It wasn’t about me, what I wanted

Or needed.

It was about them getting lost

In me.

Contact or conversation;

Let’s always choose the former.

I thought that’s how relationships were.

With everyone else but you—

And there it is!

Who knew what it felt like to be held?

Not like an object and

Not like a replacement.

Like a woman, like a person.

I was more than a body to push against—

I was just me. Just crazy. Just okay.

And that’s why you were there.

That one night, you know the one,

I had thought I knew the meaning of “cherish”.

I was wrong.

Side by side on the blanket,

Mouths open and hearts even bigger.

You kissed me, and then paused—

We each breathed in and out,

Recycling the air between us,

Suspended in a perfect second—

The pause said more than words.

To everyone but you, I wasn’t supposed to speak up.

Unless it was to say “okay”.

I think you loved my words

More than my body.

To everyone else but you,

My name was a number.

With you, I didn’t have everything I wanted—

But at least I had a name.

Tygers, Tygers!

O sweet moon, guide them near—

Let the tygers find me here!

Let their teeth now be my bed and

Soon enough my heart they’ll hear!

Come young tygers, on this night,

Fill me up with tales of fright.

Alone we crawl along the shore—

I couldn’t see you anymore.

Tygers, please, I’m begging you,

I’ve given up, no more to do!

Or am I a tyger too?

My heart beats fast, this much is true.

You’re so cold and far away—

For him! They all scream on this day.

I offer up this throat of mine,

No resist give I this time.

And of course, it’s all in vain!

The tygers will not come again.

They’ve been my friends for far too long,

I thought they’d help but I was wrong.

Tygers, tygers, please do this,

I’m a target you can’t miss.

These beasts are mine to understand,

They keep me up, won’t let me land.

It’s all the night and all the day,

I promised I would stay awake.

But I cannot, and I don’t know,

Is there a place where I can go?

O sweet tygers, go away.

Today is not your day to play.

Keep circling my camp today,

You can have no reason now to stay.

But here they are, the fight begins.

I cannot let my tygers win!

They know me well, know all my sins,

But I’ve been taught to not give in.

Oh but you, you sordid ghost.

You’re the one I miss the most.

Your soul is here, and I’m his host—

It’s hard to see when he’s so close.

My mind has wandered from this place—

It’s you I see, your listening face.

And now my fists are put to waste,

Because I can’t keep up this pace.

I love you—there it is, now leave!

If you’re gone, maybe then I’ll breathe.

And O what a tangled web we weave,

When two of us find common need.

And so it goes, the stripes are here.

Spectre that I know, now disappear!

One look at you I’m lost to fear

Of nevermore having you so near.

I should fight and push them far

But I’ve left the door so much ajar

To wounds and fears I know to mar.

This is what’s left of love’s memoir.

So catch me, tygers of the night!

This crime is burning oh so bright.

Your fears are here, but out of sight,

Now hold me down; there’ll be no fight.

Here I am, O tyger friend—

My dreaming days are at an end.

I care not now what you intend.

I give up, O tyger friend.

I Am

I am who I am because

My father almost never cries

But my mother does enough for the both of them.

I am who I am because books were shoved at me from birth

And I fell in love.

I’m a warrior and a princess

And I don’t think that makes me weak.

I can stand up to you

Even if it makes me cruel

Because sometimes you need to

Break all the rules.

I am who I am because my skin loves the sun

And my heart hates it more.

I think I was born with rain boots on.

And even when it’s not raining,

It’s sprinkling anyway, somewhere in the world.

I am the daughter of people who believe

And faith will always be a part

Of my home.

Of my mind.

Of my heart.

I am who I am because

Love is worth risking the world

And nothing is worse than forgetting that.

I am brave and I can stand ready for the hit;

Because

To fall in love is to willingly become an open target.

I am who I am because hiding is a joke

And everyone should know that.

I am who I am because I can always go home

To the hot chocolate and lavender house.

I am who I am because I know what to do

With a broken heart.

In those moments when it seems like too much

I can remember that the world is full of

Lilacs and footprints.

It’s full of raindrops and skyscrapers.

Along with the fears and the wars there are still

Old books for smelling and

Poems to be written.

I am who I am because I know what to do

With a broken heart.

To Be Alone

If you sit and ask yourself

What it means to be alone,

You’ll most likely

Come up with more than a few answers.

Maybe being alone is

When you move to a foreign country

And nothing is your own,

Not the customs

Not the monuments

Not the craters in the earth.

But it’s okay, because

The sun, and the stars, and the moon

Are all the same,

And they will always be yours.

Being alone might be the moment

You step forward to make a place

For yourself,

Despite the disapproval of

Those who,

Naturally, “know what’s best”,

And leaving your old decisions behind.

But you still have

Your character, and your integrity,

And the optimism to walk on.

Being alone could be

The feeling you get when it seems

As though everyone has

Given up on you.

You’ve gone so far,

And they know it.

But they’re waiting, if you let them.

Being alone may be the fact

That everyone has moved on

Without you.

Leaving you in the dust,

They achieve and conceive,

And you’re still stuck here.

But you have your

Smile and your dreams,

And the hope you’ll harbor

Forever.

Maybe it’s when someone dies

And you’re now on your own—

But even then, you have

 The books you read,

And the songs you love,

And the arms that will hold you

Even when you’re scared to feel.

No, being alone is not death,

Or goals, leaving, or crying.

Being alone is when you feel everything

And choose to feel nothing.

So you push them away.

Being alone is not fear, or pain,

It is a choice.

All the songs and the books and the poems and the sighs will not help you.

Even the stars are beyond your reach,

When you decide to be alone.

Now This Here's the Introduction

It’s 1:30 AM,

And I can see your fingerprints

All over the inside of my skull.

It’s a jumble of Sushi dates

And awkward movie nights.

There’s a small corner with your listening smile—

You wore it out

Right in the center is our time

Spent on your couch.

Where we learned to find the right moment.

Twirling around the edges we have

Ice cream

&

Pie shakes

&

Long talks

&

Lipstick marks

&

Friendships

&

Books

&

Your inability to contact me.

Remember when you got jealous?

And I was still special?

Didn’t think so.

Me neither.

On the top is a big mixture of

Purple lipstick on your reluctant mouth

And music from a different time.

Your hands hardly left my body.

The bulk of the bottom

Consists of a blanket on my floor.

Picnics at night and

You talking about your dreams.

And our stargazing—

You saw shooting stars on the ceiling,

So of course I did too.

There’s a strand of twinkly lights

Wrapped around every word.

“No one’s ever done anything like this for me before”

How could I ever forget that night?

And in the end, right at the heart of it,

The smallest box, is no box,

But a book.

Because I am the tame fox,

And at least I have the color of the wheat fields—

At least I have the color of the wheat fields

Pencil Dreams

It’s a world made up of pencil dreams,

And you were the only one that seemed real.

The windows shake, but my door won’t break,

Because I know it’s okay to feel.

Tumble down my aching neck.

The gleam of tears is bright!

Pithy comments, don’t break my heart,

I’ll meet you at first light.

Kiss me now, please, kiss me here!

I’m keen to keep you near.

I’d like to lose myself in this,

But away from you I’ll steer.

Solitary, I am—but no!

The winds of what I know still blow.

Left behind, and you’re just fine,

I can see my cue to go.

My mind is a whirl of plastic bags,

Their banners burning bright!

I held your hand, saw no red flags,

And kept us in the light.

Why am I the one so scared?

Just pathetic, more than sad.

It seems unfair, that you’re right there,

And I’m not. So is that bad?

O, Alcoholic!

O, sweet alcoholic!

There was a lonesome moment where

I could see how much you cared.

Our eyes made records of the past

And all the times it left us there.

O, dear alcoholic!

We’ve made a mess of everything

And the ropes have grown so thin.

I’m falling over the guardrail now,

But you can’t hear above the din.

O, sullen alcoholic!

I’m calling all the forces here

To help me sleep at night!

I held you close and I held you dear;

Could it be I held too tight?

O, moronic alcoholic!

I loved you like I loved myself,

And maybe that’s where I went wrong.

I’d like to put this on a shelf

And write you in a song.

O, paralyzed alcoholic!

I’ve kept a lock upon my heart,

But I tried to share with you.

The way I was now seems so smart,

But of course I still tried something new.

O, damn alcoholic!

I only asked for what you could give;

It really didn’t seem so much.

But you have perfected a way to live

A life devoid of love.

O, my alcoholic!

I woke to find that you were gone

And all you left me was a note.

Each and every trace of you, no more.

It’s hard to see through all this smoke.