I Count Myself as Lucky

I have this great and terrible fear. It hits me when I least expect it—at work, or while I’m cleaning, when I’m baking, when I’m reading. Nothing is amiss, yet in one fell swoop I’m overtaken by a moment of clairvoyant vision. I look forward on the years ahead, knowing that someday, I will meet someone. He’ll be important, and beautiful, and in the ways that matter to everyone else, he’ll be perfect. So I’ll smile, and count myself lucky, and let him love me. The world will fall into a subtle harmony. I shall not want for comfort, or affection, or respect, or attention. I will count myself lucky.

And the best laid plans will go according to plan. Nothing out of place, nothing scary, nothing unexpected. I’ll be fine, he’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.

I’ll know, with every sinew and bone in my exhausted body, that I've found the one I’ll be with forever, if only because I know it’s what he wants. But I’ll be happy! I’ll be happy enough to sleep at night, most nights, but not every night. At times, I’ll wake up with a nightmare clawing at my brain, taking hold, making noise and digging in. I’ll reach out my hand, palm stretched, fingers open—but he won’t be there. He’ll be there, but not him. Never him. And that’s okay, I’ll tell myself through the night visions, the tossy-turnies, the midnight wake-ups. He wasn't great at comfort anyway.

But in the waking hours, when the night is gone, I’ll count myself lucky. Surrounded by my love, and my kids, and the life we've built together. I’ll remind myself that I am the winner—I have a family, and a world that is not just mine. I won. He’ll never be the victor, because I’m the one who came out on top. He hasn't found a person to hold him at night, and if he has it was for one night. Does he have sticky hands and sweet baby cheeks to sing to, to love on, to remind him that he’s done it right? Because I will. All the countless hours spent holding them close and smiling at him, and staying up to keep them safe and to make the nightmares they inherited from their mother dissipate with kisses and stories.  Those will be my trophies, my proof of the battle being won, of besting him with my dreams come true. I’ll be all aglow with marital bliss and plastered on smiles, and genuine joy because my little ones are climbing up and up onto the tippy top of my heart.

Everything will come tumbling down one day—in the minutest of ways. I’ll find out, casually because no one will mean to hurt me, that he is happy. He found a girl, a girl with blonde hair, a girl with big happy eyes and a hint of mystery in her smile, a girl with long legs and a soft smart mouth. He finally chose, finally found a reason to stay still. A reason to stop running. A reason to let the castle walls fall with a vengeance, and a reason to change. A ton of bricks will fall right on me, crushing me and pinning me. The bricks catch my breath as it runs away from my body. I’ll just lay on the floor, the chaos turning to dust around me, spiraling back to the way I once felt. All the thoughts, all the feelings. It’s time for dinner, so I go through the motions. Smile at him, smile at them, load the dishwasher, brush my teeth. Do it all over again. Over and over and over, where it stops, no one knows.

Then and then only, I’ll realize why I’m not the winner.  I had it first, I found a new home before he did, I built myself back up. He’s practically old! This wizened, withered, weathered human who finally wound up happy, is the winner.

At the end of the day, I may have more, and I had it first. But at the end of the day, he’ll look into her eyes and see her and only her. I’ll look into his eyes and see a blank slate for a life I did not have. He doesn’t think of me, and I think of him relentlessly. I’m still sad, and he’s just fine. Now what does that say about me? Winners don’t dwell, and winners forget. It’s only the unluckiest of the bunch who still want to win, who still feel at a loss when they find out he is finally happy.

I can recall with perfect clarity, and I’m sure I always will, the time when I set myself on the floor next to him. I felt shy, all of a sudden, so I kept my distance. You pouted, and beckoned me closer. I hastily obliged. I had so rarely felt like this. One could even say, I’d never felt cherished that way, and that I’d never had such a case of butterflies in my life. O the butterflies! They wouldn't stop their dizzying circles, racing around and around my body, reminding me that you were special. And I listened to the butterflies, those damn, unyielding butterflies. I believed every word they spoke. I looked at you that night with stars in my eyes, and stars on the ceiling. Enchanting, was the word of the evening. An entire world had been painted in my eyes that night.

When I glimpse at the future, I know to count myself as lucky. 

Diary Excerpts Series: Part One

I wonder what will happen if we do this. Will he wake up and roll away from me in the morning, and make it obvious that I am intruding on his perfect morning world, where he always eats Lucky Charms, and now feels obligated to share those Lucky Charms with me? Or will he sleep and sleep until I’m finally already showered and dressed, and he rolls over in confusion, and then falls back quickly to sleep before I can say a word?

What if he wakes up before me and kisses me awake? What if we both stay awake all night, pretending to sleep, but wanting to be a half inch closer, and being too frightened to move?

Or maybe, we’ll wake up slowly, calmly? He’ll smile lazily at my blinking eyes whilst yawning. I’ll giggle nervously before burrowing deeper under the covers, and he’ll roll onto me, pinning me beneath as he reaches across the bed for his phone to check the time. Then he’ll nibble my ear and mess with my hair on his journey back to his side of the bed.

O Nymphet

O fighting Nymphet!

Your passion is still burning

And on your knees I fell.

I’m glancing into broken mirrors

Where nymphets cast their spell.

O lovely Nymphet!

Lights of twisted solitude

Are the background to my gain,

And all you see is my stone face

Because you’ll just ignore the pain.

O angry Nymphet!

Be scared! Be sad! Be your old-fashioned

Dreams! Be the fear of being right!

Sweet girl onstage, take a bow and stay,

For he is running from your sight.

O broken Nymphet!

Not enough, and not too far,

You’re falling short of him.

She mesmerized his wandering gaze,

And now she dances on his whim.

O drunken Nymphet!

O the web is real and the bond is tight,

And you’ve surveyed all you thought you could.

The race is won, and you’ve waved the flag,

Just like everyone knew you would.

O precocious Nymphet—

You’re the fire and light of nobody’s world,

So lean your chest towards me.

The heart of this, is your saddest gasp—

There is nothing left to see.

O graceful Nymphet.

I look at you with your eyes here

But I’m drowning in the rush.

Good luck, sweet girl, for it’s all a blur—

And sometimes, the world is too much.

A Study in Character

I had to write about myself as though I was a character in my new writing group. It was... revealing.

The door of the café opened with the delicate ringing of a bell and a girl bustled through. She was small, but not in a child-like way—merely diminutive. She made her way through the crowded room, her dark hair glinting under the overhead lighting, her feet taking small but deliberate steps towards a table full of familiar faces. Her eyes disappeared when she smiled at all of her friends—her cheeks were round enough to obscure all other features. She took her seat and immediately fretted over her decision—should she order the turkey on rye? Or the BLT—the sandwich the shop was famous for. And although she was parched, and wanted a cool glass of coke, she resigned herself to water with lemons, as was the acceptable order. The pressure of ordering overcame her for a moment and her hands fluttered about, flipping pages while she asked around her what everyone else was eating.

The waiter was her constrict, and when he arrived she made a snap decision—chicken Caesar salad it would be. The conversation picked up after he left, and the woman found herself involved in several different debates and tangents, turning quickly from one face to another, trying to hear everyone at once, but of course, being in a seat at the far end of the table she was excluded from many a story, and she found her tales falling on deaf, far away ears.

As the night wore on, the water in her glass was refilled many times. Lack of alcohol did not stop her behavior from descending into loudness and exhibitionist tendencies. The effect of social gatherings on her mannerisms was detrimental. Determined to be noticed, she resorted to behaviors more akin to drunken women seeking the attention of the man at the bar. Her coat was shed in the ever-warming room and her skin glowed bright and soft in the light. Her voice rose above the din, while everyone else had settled into the calm of the evening. Although they were tired, her friends smiled at her antics and allowed her to enjoy her night; they slowly tuned her out and gave way to the distractions in their pockets. She left the café on the arm of a man she had met that night, peering into his eyes with hope and optimism. 

My Funeral

I’m the one who’s here to mourn—

And you seem like you’re fine.

Though all these thoughts have held me down

You and I have reached sublime.

We’re humans, and we feel the world,

It dances round our toes

With leaps and twists and grand jetés—

Emotion is what we chose.

You’re unwelcome here, near my crying face,

Because my heart can’t take the weight.

You’ll keep your place and make them laugh,

But I’ve never believed in fate.

I’ve seen it all, and I held back—

The world is not for me.

I’m ready to hold all it is to my heart,

And maybe that can make me see.

The mask I wear is a child’s game,

Indulgent of my fears—

I’ve got my love, I’ve got my shame,

And I’ll smile for all the mirrors.

The right is earned, so privilege it is—

To don my shattered face,

I’m here to mourn, at this funeral,

So leave—this is my place.

An Ode to the Lost Boy

If I never see your face again,

I’m not sure what I’ll do.

Your timidity to smile at me

Was charming to a fault.

Each word you spoke gave me

A spark of something to be learned—

And then again I felt so young

When glancing at your gaze.

I sat right there at the info desk,

Hoping the second shoe would drop.

It didn’t though, and you made me laugh—

With your charming, witty smile.

Romance is my aim in life

And you fit every qualm of mine.

I hope I did the same for you

When you walked into my life.

But then you walked right out again

With a child upon your shoulders.

You smiled back and I held my tongue

When I should have shouted out!

O sweet boy, with a thimble kiss—

Let’s fly to Neverland—just us!

We’ll swim all day and we’ll scream all night

While the lost boys take our gold.

So take me away to Neverland,

You stranger, you fiend, you friend.

I’m waiting here, so patiently,

While you figure out our end.

O stranger who I want to meet,

I saw your face and fell.

Come back to me, and take me home

To the place we both want to go.

(Inspired by the stranger I met at work today. Let's just get married, okay?)

Jane Bear

I think I'm pretty funny...

I just really love Jane Eyre. And Bears. And the Bronte sisters.

Bears, books, Brontes...

Love, Sarai

To Everyone Else (Again)

Here's a fun little print of the last lines of the poem "To Everyone Else"

Hope you enjoy! Feel free to use it anywhere you like

Love, Sarai

Let's Be the Naked

I want to know what makes you,

You.

Here’s a bone

Here’s a breath

Here’s the mighty sinew!

Let’s be the naked,

Be the brave, and the bold.

I’ll see all the fears that

Have made you feel old.

Shed all convention,

Let the loving flag fly!

All the world is your stage

When you’re learning to cry.

Let’s be the naked,

Be the bold, be the brave.

You’ve given so much,

Now it’s our turn to save.

I’ll see each old scar

And I’ll know of the new.

I’m finding out now

What a friend ought to do.

When you’re fighting for air

At the edge of a boat

Standing like you’re not scared,

When I know that you’ll jump.

Let’s be the naked!

Be the scared and the ready!

I’ll see all I see,

I don’t care if it’s messy.

Let’s be the naked!

Don’t you cover in shame!

For all the reasons you’re scared,

It’s not you who’s to blame.

Let’s not cover up

All that you have to share.

Let’s be the naked;

Let’s be real, if you dare.

Let’s be the naked.

Just be brave, just be bold.

You Are My Sunshine

From now on

You’ll just be another

Music box

To me.

“You Are My Sunshine”

Because that’s what

It comes down to.

You were the

Sun and the moon

The stars and the rains

The comets and the shooting stars

The planets and their shadows

And the beating of my heart.

You’ll forever be the

Crank-style box

As it sings our moments.

From now on,

You’re just a piece of

Metal making music—

And I’m finally okay

With that.

Halo

I miss my friend—

Is he in there somewhere?

And I miss the way you cared.

Life’s a dream when the color’s up—

All the world will stop and stare.

And that’s the worst!

I know how you think—

It’s their prying eyes

That make you compromise

The feelings I know that you feel.

An open shut case on my

Head and my heart are the

Most civilized of all.

That’s not how it worked

And I’m calling your bluff—

Don’t pretend that this isn’t a wall.

Run along coward

And try not to think.

You’ve gotten so tangled in this.

Blame I won’t share in our timely demise—

It’s your fault that there’s something to miss.

Running makes sense for someone like you.

A man who has shame to spare.

You weren’t alone,

But you made it that way

When you decided life isn’t to share.

Your halo was right there in my sight

And no one that I knew could compare.

But halos fall and that’s not all.

Please remember, it was you—

You’re the one who made me feel small.

For a Moment

I’m a little bit scared

You won’t like what you see.

Let’s cut me in half for a moment,

Shall we?

I have bones—

But more than a frame,

They outline the things that

Have helped me stay sane.

These bones,

O! These bones!

They’ve managed to make me

A woman, a shelter,

A trap, and a canyon.

These bones are a cage

And a lock and a key.

Stand alone, stand alone, stand alone

Free.

 O! So help me dear bones,

Help this soul to be saved!

Twist my arms down and then let me be brave!

Past the bones there are lungs,

Those sweet holders of air!

Take a breath and be smart,

Never let yourself change!

With the lungs there are veins!

O! Glorious veins.

Those maps of my fears cover every last

Inch

Of

Me.

But wait.

Don’t forget.

The heart.

Mine’s the one with the battered old engine—

A sick lass at best,

With no hope of rearrangement.

It still hops on,

Finding strength in the veins,

In the lungs,

In the bones.

In my words!

Well I’m okay,

And I know who I am.

But do you understand the great mess that I am?

They’re all just placeholders

For my hop along scars.

Life has always been hard

But I’ll keep seeing stars.

“As long as there are stars above me”.

Take my trap and my cave,

Take my hop along scars!

Take it all or I won’t know how to

Take all your smiles.

Here I am,

I won’t hide—

Here’s this sweet-tempered girl!

Just be kind,

and please know that

You might mean the world.

Your Face

We lay on the floor,

And the shooting stars were fake—

But your face was love

Inch by Inch

Inch by inch

I felt my way

Through the dark spots in your mind.

Excavation helped me know

Who we were,

And how we fell.

Every day I’d

Hold you tight.

Succumbing when you left.

The atlas game

Of where you went;

It always left me spent.

My feet stayed stuck

On dreams I had

Of you and I so strong.

I wasn’t scared

And you held still

While I lifted up my voice.

Step by step

I found the path

Through all your troubled halls.

I took the time

To learn your heart;

But how were you with mine?

Fingertips stretched

Out to walls—

The holes are filled with fear.

The long dark road

Of your bothered mind

Is all that brought me here.

I’d take the pain;

And I guess I did.

I never once gave up!

My steps were small

And the road was long,

I didn’t really need an end.

Just your smile,

Your listening smile.

As we turned into more than friends.

That’s what I got,

That’s how it was.

At least for a moment I lived.

No apologies here,

Not from this girl—

What have I to apologize for?

I loved you!

That hurts to say.

I hear you laughed at me.

Is it just this?

Are we now gone?

You closed the maze of doors.

I’m just a girl

You held close once—

It’s on your face that you don’t care.

Are you okay?

I’d like to hear

The newest ups and downs.

Can we be friends?

Now that it’s done—

Strangely you won’t look at me.

Here’s my face—

This brave one’s on!

It’s fake cause that’s your game.

Inch by inch

I felt my way

Through halls I did not own.

Inch by inch

I touched your face

And thought your heart would grow.

Inch by inch

And step by step

We never learned our way.

Inch by inch

Let’s go again

And take our time this round.

Inch by inch

I’m reaching now

For the latest page in mine.

Inch by inch

I’ll go along—

I’ll feel okay in time.

Her

Your eyes went soft

When you looked at me.

So I felt pretty secure.

And pretty.

Yeah, I felt pretty.

Your voice crept up and swept me in—

I didn't know what to expect.

With each new jump

We made a wave

And discovered all there was.

A trip and a skip and a fall from heaven,

You’re right. I should meet you there.

Windy days met their match,

In that kiss,

In that hug,

In that fear.

You stared at me and

Saw the moon

In my eyes.

I thought I saw the same in yours.

It’s a mountain, it’s a molehill, it’s a colossal mighty jump!

With you, that is,

To trust again,

Was everything I could want.

I couldn't hide from your

Knowing eyes,

So my fear to feel was real.

But all I was,

In those two months,

Was a home within a home.

Feeling you was a bright new dream!

Each breath,

Each hand,

Each world you brought—

I was enamored, to say the least.

But O, the walls, came tumbling down!

And falling down they came!

I looked into your eyes one night,

And her face stared back at me.

It wasn't me,

It was never me,

You wanted next to you.

It was her,

It was always her,

So I’ll go quietly.

To Everyone Else

To everyone else I was no more than

A body.

A shell.

A 118 pound piece of warm smooth skin and

Sexy hair with the bright eyes to match.

But I was not a person

With thoughts and feelings

Or hopes and dreams.

The bones that hold me up were simply

Bones.

Not a map of my life,

Or a piece of my past.

Just bones.

To everyone else I was a

Jumping off point, a beginning,

A starting line.

And we all know where this race ends.

Some form of ‘I love you’ may have been uttered,

But actions speak louder than words,

And their hands did not hold love.

Not that night, nor any of the nights after.

 To all the other boys,

I was the friction they needed for a moment

And the excuse they needed to ignore everything else.

And if they held me just a second longer

Their wildest dreams would come true.

And they always did!

It wasn’t about me, what I wanted

Or needed.

It was about them getting lost

In me.

Contact or conversation;

Let’s always choose the former.

I thought that’s how relationships were.

With everyone else but you—

And there it is!

Who knew what it felt like to be held?

Not like an object and

Not like a replacement.

Like a woman, like a person.

I was more than a body to push against—

I was just me. Just crazy. Just okay.

And that’s why you were there.

That one night, you know the one,

I had thought I knew the meaning of “cherish”.

I was wrong.

Side by side on the blanket,

Mouths open and hearts even bigger.

You kissed me, and then paused—

We each breathed in and out,

Recycling the air between us,

Suspended in a perfect second—

The pause said more than words.

To everyone but you, I wasn’t supposed to speak up.

Unless it was to say “okay”.

I think you loved my words

More than my body.

To everyone else but you,

My name was a number.

With you, I didn’t have everything I wanted—

But at least I had a name.

Tygers, Tygers!

O sweet moon, guide them near—

Let the tygers find me here!

Let their teeth now be my bed and

Soon enough my heart they’ll hear!

Come young tygers, on this night,

Fill me up with tales of fright.

Alone we crawl along the shore—

I couldn’t see you anymore.

Tygers, please, I’m begging you,

I’ve given up, no more to do!

Or am I a tyger too?

My heart beats fast, this much is true.

You’re so cold and far away—

For him! They all scream on this day.

I offer up this throat of mine,

No resist give I this time.

And of course, it’s all in vain!

The tygers will not come again.

They’ve been my friends for far too long,

I thought they’d help but I was wrong.

Tygers, tygers, please do this,

I’m a target you can’t miss.

These beasts are mine to understand,

They keep me up, won’t let me land.

It’s all the night and all the day,

I promised I would stay awake.

But I cannot, and I don’t know,

Is there a place where I can go?

O sweet tygers, go away.

Today is not your day to play.

Keep circling my camp today,

You can have no reason now to stay.

But here they are, the fight begins.

I cannot let my tygers win!

They know me well, know all my sins,

But I’ve been taught to not give in.

Oh but you, you sordid ghost.

You’re the one I miss the most.

Your soul is here, and I’m his host—

It’s hard to see when he’s so close.

My mind has wandered from this place—

It’s you I see, your listening face.

And now my fists are put to waste,

Because I can’t keep up this pace.

I love you—there it is, now leave!

If you’re gone, maybe then I’ll breathe.

And O what a tangled web we weave,

When two of us find common need.

And so it goes, the stripes are here.

Spectre that I know, now disappear!

One look at you I’m lost to fear

Of nevermore having you so near.

I should fight and push them far

But I’ve left the door so much ajar

To wounds and fears I know to mar.

This is what’s left of love’s memoir.

So catch me, tygers of the night!

This crime is burning oh so bright.

Your fears are here, but out of sight,

Now hold me down; there’ll be no fight.

Here I am, O tyger friend—

My dreaming days are at an end.

I care not now what you intend.

I give up, O tyger friend.